How to Cope with Different Libidos in a Relationship

22.11.2018

Do you passionately want sex all the time, while your partner says no to all your intimations or at least pretends not to notice them? This means that you probably have mismatched libidos, which is a fairly common problem. Of course, it is generally difficult to find a person who you would have absolutely identical goals and aspirations with. And you are actually lucky if your and your partner’s sexual temperaments coincide.

However even if things are the opposite, do not worry - everything can be corrected. We want sex for completely different reasons: to relieve tension, to express our love and affection, or to raise self-esteem. In the long run, in order to experience orgasm. None of these reasons is correct or incorrect. But understanding why you need a fast discharge after a hard day or why you are overwhelmed with romantic feelings on Saturday night – will help your couple find a compromise and resolve your contradictions.

different libidos in marriage

What is libido? Its types

First of all, the idea of libido became popular thanks to Z. Freud and psychoanalysis. Initially, Freud understood it as manifestations of the unconscious and its algorithms, such as sexual desires and impulses. In the process of the further development of the psychoanalytic concept, libido became one of its central concepts. Using the mechanisms of sublimation (the direction of sexual energy to any activity, for instance, creativity) and regression (reduction, discharge) of libido, Freud explained the peculiarities of normal and pathological development of a person. The concept of libido began to be transferred to all kinds of love: towards children, towards oneself, towards parents, etc. Libido is also closely related to the desire for life, pleasure (Eros), and the desire for death (Thanatos).

K.G. Jung proposed to understand the libido as a vital psychic energy, even endowing it with a certain mystical undertone. Libido, as understood by Jung, is a manifestation of the unconscious single energy in all life situations, so it doesn’t refer just to sex drive and that is why the problems related to libido always have their deep roots in the psyche. The power of libidinal energy is constantly changing throughout a person’s life and can take on different symbolic forms at each stage: creativity, growing flowers, etc.

For instance, men’s libido is responsible for the male force - the energy that underlies sexual desire, expressing it both during the sexual act and before it.

Libido shows how strongly a person wants intimacy with the opposite sex and with what frequency this desire can arise. Procreation and the reproductive function are directly dependent on it.

There are 10 main types of libidos: sensual (emotional and gentle), stressed (a person thinks that he/she is not good enough to please the partner), erotic (loves sex and experiments in bed, more determined to satisfy own needs), dependent (constantly uses sex to cope with their boredom or negative emotions), detached (more focused on life goals than on sex, prefers masturbation), reactive (more focused on the partner’s needs, sacrificing own pleasure), how to deal with mismatched libidoscompulsive (needs very specific situations or stimulation to get turned on), addictive (treats sex as one of the main life pleasures, often cheats being not able to resist the sexual desire), disinterested, entitled (people like this are not highly interested in sex, but force themselves to have it because everyone else has it).

Mismatched libidos in a couple: causes and outcomes

When your partner does not want you, this is a big blow to your self-esteem. But the last thing you want to do is to immediately blame yourself. It speaks more about your partner’s problems than yours. Stress, depression and an unhealthy lifestyle are just some of the reasons of mismatched libidos. Be attentive, show care and sensitivity to it, and do not demand attention to yourself by any means. Many people lose interest in sex with the development of relationships, when the first passion is over.

That is why even different libidos in marriage are a common problem. There are 3 levels of libidos: low, normal, and high. The main causes of the low libido problem are:

  • Psychological factors. Constant stress, prolonged depression, lack of sleep, overwork, and anxiety can significantly reduce the libido in men.
  • Hormonal disorders. When a man is young and full of energy, testosterone production is normal, but closer to the age of 40 gradually decreases, which leads to the deterioration of potency. Hard periods for women are PMS, pregnancy, and breastfeeding, when the libido goes through certain changes.
  • Chronic diseases often cause a decrease in libido, especially diseases related to the cardiovascular system, endocrine organs.
  • Medicaments can have a significant effect too. Especially hormones, antidepressants, sedatives, and those that contain steroids.

When partners with different libidos do not understand each other’s problems, the effects of insufficient sexual life can be considerable. For instance, when a woman goes through hard periods of her libido decrease when her sexuality suffers from hormonal imbalance, she may feel ugly and not sexy. If her partner initiates or even forces coitus, it can leave a mark on the woman’s self-esteem and even discourage her from having sex with her husband at all. As a result, an ignorant man can start cheating and leave his wife alone with her problems. This is where different libidos in a relationship might lead.

Can a relationship work if partners have different libidos?

So, a partner with a more passionate temperament, constantly confronted with the fact that his desires are rejected, receives blows on self-esteem. A partner with a weaker libido is subjected to constant sexual “harassment” and feels pressure. Many believe that desire should arise spontaneously. But we are all different, all our bodies are different. Hence, there is no such thing as a normal level of libido; the boundaries of what is considered to be «normal libido» vary. The increase in the libido may be spontaneous, but it often occurs as a result of the process of stimulation. Moreover, sometimes it takes a lot of effort for both partners to achieve the right mood.

People who are worried about the disparity of the level of their desire, get problems with self-esteem and sex. In the end, both are angry and under stress.

It means that different libidos in a relationship is a completely normal thing, because everyone is different and has different needs. For example, according to the statistics, 80% of people fall into the category of normal libido owners, while the other 20 percent are divided equally between those who are abnormally hyper-sexual and have low libido. As you can see, the chances of two people from different parties falling in love with each other and then finding out they have mismatched sexual temperaments is high. The gap is really noticeable, so such couples simply want to learn how to cope with different libidos.

In order for the family to leave in peace, both people must make efforts to maintain their intimate life great and sensual. They should talk about their problems, not be afraid to reject the partner, as well as stand up for their needs and desires. Because mismatched libidos relationships definitely exist, they just require a little bit more work.

Mismatched libidos advice

As you can see, mismatched libidos are not the end of the world. There are tons of tips on how to restore romance in your relationship - and the sooner you learn them, the faster your sex life will get back to normal. If one of the partners has high sexual libido, he/she has to cope with it in order not to harass their beloved or scare them off with their hyperbolized sexual desire. It would be useful for them to adhere to the following recommendations:

  • Avoid nervous tension, conflict, stress
  • Minimize stimuli
  • Start an active lifestyle, go in for sports to free the superfluous energy
  • Eliminate the causes of excitation
  • Practice yoga and meditation, especially together with the partner, to rediscover the harmony and better understand your partner, treat your loved one more gently
  • Reduce the amount of adrenaline in the body
  • Increase sleep duration
  • Drink herbal tea with a sedative effect

On the other hand, when one of the partner deals with the libido drop, he/she can try to follow these tips:

  • couples with mismatched libidosIf the task is to fully return the lost sexual desire, you need to consult with a specialist
  • It is also important to review the behavior in different aspects of life

Proper nutrition without fatty and fried foods will help, as the body should be provided with all the necessary nutrients and vitamins. Nuts, greens, garlic and dairy products contain a lot of zinc, and it is an important component in the structure of the molecules of testosterone, the main male hormone. It would also be a great idea to add foods that contain vitamins B, C, D to your diet. Minerals like selenium, magnesium are also required. They are easy to get from vegetables and fruits. And, of course, drink enough water.

  • Increased blood testosterone levels can be a cause of such a problem
  • Rest should be an integral part of life
  • Medications are the extreme measures and they should be carefully selected by a professional.

Here is also some general mismatched libidos advice:

Every person should remember that their partner’s sexual desire depend on their libido. Therefore, if your spouse begins to flirt or give signs of attention, answer him with the same. Try to understand him or reject politely, if you do not feel like having sex at the moment. Your feelings matter too.

Despite all quarrels and troubles, fall asleep under one blanket. Every touch and tender hug is what is so necessary to maintain normal libido. Constant intimacy will not be able to dull the desire, but, on the contrary, it will only strengthen it. Your love will serve as an excellent stimulation of your partner’s attention.

Punishment in the form of deprivation of your attention will only aggravate the situation. This is the mistake many ladies make. Even if the spouse is guilty of something serious, do not deprive him of sex life.

If you are already satiated with each other, take a rest. You can, for example, go to visit relatives or friends separately. It is normal to take days off in sex, for it not to transform into a routine.

Of course, do not forget that psychological comfort in many ways helps to ensure that your libido is at its best. Feel free to talk with your partner about your problems, get rid of the complexes, because couples with mismatched libidos have to work harder to save their happy relationships. Remember, only a positive approach will help you overcome all difficulties and achieve your goal.